It's been so long. Even with so much to write I don't have the effort to type. This past little while has been filled with a whirlwind of emotion. I'm head over heels in love yet I feel like my family life is tearing me apart. I long so badly to be older and have a family of my own but I also know that I am not ready. I wonder when I will know that I'm ready and how I will know. He knows I'm not ready and I wonder if he will know when I am. He's my bestfriend, one that I know will last forever. It's so wierd to feel more mature than your parents. It's how I've felt for a long time. I guess it really is love that will keep things together.

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Tonight I went downtown with a group of people and gave out food and clothing. I realized that I am happiest when helping others. Whether it is helping a best friend with homework or helping those who are in need who I don't even know. Tonight fueled the passion I have to work with at risk/ street youth. Oh Lord, give me the strength do you the work of your hand.

Today was a good day filled with surprises. The roses, the company, the everything. It was a good change from my night which was filled with a lack of sleep and frustration. Oh well. At least there is a balance. I suppose that this is the countdown to my new life....only a few weeks away and I will be happier and freer (if that is even a word). Oh today was a good day.

Valentine's day came and went; a day when 'love' was in the air. I love any day that celebrates love and life but it is true that Feb. 14th is such a commercial holiday. I wonder if the the fact that it's so superficial makes us confuse flowers and candy for love and respect. At first I was like most girls with dreams of presents and flowers on that special day but that's not him. I had the most amazing day spent with the one I love. I suppose that every day spent with him is amazing. I'm glad that I didn't get caught up in the commercial side of the holiday because then I think I wouldn't have cherished our time together that day as much. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of having a serious relationship, yes even now after 4 or so months, but then I realize that I could never picture myself with someone else. I didn't want this post to be a mushy one but that's how it ended up. I suppose that life with all it's horror also had times that are mushy. I guess that's just life.

After finding a box of my Nana's stuff- cut-off-the-shoulder sweatshirts and T's (even a sweet Harley one), pictures of her modeling and jewelry that she modeled- I feel refreshed. It feels so rad wearing stuff that she did. Though finding her things I feel that I have found myself. Everyone has always said that I was the apple of her eye. We are so much alike: our likes and dislikes, our yearning to help people in need, our favourite colour and food, how my mom drives (well drove) us both crazy, and now our wardrobe. I really miss her from time to time and this is a time when I really have needed her. I know that she is always with me in my heart and now her clothes are a daily reminder of her.

"Grow old with me....For the best is yet to be" How great is that? Imagine that the older you get the more wise and beautiful you become. I feel like I am the only one looking forward to adulthood. I feel like I am the only one who will not miss her teen or childhood years. All my life I have waited to grow older and be grown up. I've waited to start a life of my own. I've waited to start my career, to start my family, to see the world, to do whatever it is that I want to do. I am not far from that time and the excitement is bursting within me.

"But what was rational anymore? "(Compliments of James' Mind) Well I wish I could answer this. I can't and I don't even want to try. However, just because things aren't rational doesn't mean that they are bad. Just because the circumstances seem to be upside down it doesn't mean that there isn't a rainbow somewhere in the sky. Thank you James for making me ponder things I wouldn't normally.

I got my report card and I felt I did well, obviously not. "You could have done better" just sounds like " You aren't good enough" and "You never know, you might change careers" sounds like "I didn't know what I wanted to do while I was still in highschool and neither should you, besides I don't like your choice for your life." Because of this I do not want to be parent. I don't understand how parents can crush their child's dream and break their kid's heart without feeling horrible about it. Maybe they just don't me well enough to know that this hurts. I can't be sad though and I can't grieve about my past even though it hurts because each struggle in my life reassures me of my future. Each hurt tells me that when I am working with at risk youth I will understand them more. I love learning but I no longer love highschool. I hate what grades do to students who don't meet their parents standards and I hate that parents set such high standards even though their children are saying "this is the best I can do without going clinically insane." Oh, if it was just this time next year, my highschool career would officially be over.

AS each day passes more and more people say "Laura you look tired, are you okay?" Never do I want to hear those words again. At the mere sound of them I feel like screaming. Of course I'm tired, everyone knows I don't sleep. I've thought about my past and my future a lot lately. Though things in my past were unpleasant and jaded, I know that they will make me stronger and wiser in the long run. I suppose that the memories and lack of sleep and everything that goes with that is the price that I will unfortunately have to pay, oh well. I know that when I work with youth my past will help me understand their hurt, joy, fear, loss, love, pain, struggles and frustration. I suppose that everything has a purpose and plan but sometimes I wish it didn't. I wish that I could gain wisdom without experience and that I could erase parts of my past without erasing what I learned. However, I would never want to erase the good things in life for they are the silver lining on grey clouds.

I realize that with each friendship you are blessed with different and unique things. With one friend you may be able to talk about practical things, with another more personal things might be the topic of interest. With one you may be able to go for runs, with someone else shopping or perhaps even site-seeing. I have many friends who are all incomparable to each other. I find that each one matches a separate part of my personality and I theirs. To my friends who are reading this, remember that I am very thankful for your friendship.