No more caffience for me. I have a rare condition that makes my skin really tender when I drink too much caffiene. At least it's not cancer. Yay. Load of my back.

I love that I have moved out of north van but I also hate it. I love all the new people I have met and how I have changed and the opportunities I have encountered. However I miss the few real friends that I have, I miss my history there and believe me I miss the scenery. Life it seems is always bittersweet. Although I miss it I would never change anything because changing the past means that the future must change as well. If I've learned one thing from moving its that friendship takes effort. I only keep in contact with 3 girls from north van. I thought I had a lot of friends, I did but the effort wasn't there on either side. Life is, as it seems, bittersweet.

A long weekend makes getting back to reality a little hard. No more lounging around in bed all morning, no more strolling through the woods. No staying up all night talking. No being in the wilderness without anyone else around except my 2 favourite boys.

Reality is not as nice as that was. Reality is tricky. I see it on different levels. There's the reality I see everyday- the kids bullying other kids at school, people getting wet in the rain, a man asking if I can spare a few bucks, people getting sick with the flu or some cold, students failing, parents divorcing. Really its not that harsh. Then there's the reality you see on the news- the war in Iraq, 5 car pile ups, bank robberies, murders, kidnappings, stolen identities, the Canadian government screwing up, Bush making an ass of himself. That's what the media wants you to see. Then there's the reality that no one talks about- youth being forced into prostitution, the man that beats his wife, the teacher that looks 'a little too closely' at their students, the boy who was raped, exploited children and countries, poverty in it's worst sense, gang rapes, mass murders, children who have to kill or be killed. This is reality. Reality isn't as nice as we wished it was.

I realize that fear is a very powerful thing. Throughout my life there have been hard times but I've never been as scared as I have in the past few days. What I am about to share is something I need prayer for, NOT pity for. I have a lump in my breast. It could be just a cyst or it could be something more serious. The past days have been hard for me because it feels harder than before. I got tests done but I don't get the results until next friday..the 28th. Cancer is something no one has control over. It is a very scary things. And believe me, fear can wreak havoc on you. Remember, no pity - just prayers and thoughts.

I believe in you and I am proud of you. I think that besides 'I love you' those are the most important words in our language. It seems so corny to say that to someone but think about the hope that it gives them. You are telling them that you know they can do it, you have confidence in them, you are behind them 100%. Encouraging words seem to be so seldom heard in this society. Sometimes I think that the standard that is set is so high that almost everyone falls short... sometimes people fail just because they think they could never succeed. This seems wrong to me. Remember, I believe in you and I am proud of you.

I get a car......Free plus a years worth of insurance. Sounds great right? Well it's bitter sweet and causing me more stress than I would like. I suppose that the means are worth the end result..... More than I have had in awhile. It's funny the though processes some people go though. Like if you are going to pay for something anyways what does it matter if I someone else pays for 2 months of it? It's not costing you a thing and it makes sense. Oh well. I will never understand so people and I don't plan to. I just plan to get through life to the point where I don't have to deal with them. Sometimes parents have to realize that they aren't in control.

I realize that I love exercising. I love to run and feel the earth beneath my feet. I love that I am able to process my thoughts and get rid of stress. I realize that running makes me happy. All the endorphins that are pumping are fabulous. I must say...I think that the cure for world peace is exercise...Exercise means happy people and happy people means no wars. If only life were that simple.

Lately life has been a blur of rushed time, tiredness, crazy fun, long wonderful talks, tears and kisses. I look forward to the time when school is over and I can begin to relax. At least the summer sun is soothing.

A song has been stuck in my head forever it seems like now. It's called 'Good Little Girls'. It talks about how a guy wants his girl to save herself for marriage and he doesn't want her to even be with him intimately before that. Besides the fact that the music makes me want to dance- I think the lyrics are amazing. I'm not saying that all the guys in the world just want a piece of ass but it is really nice to see that there are guys who want to wait and respect the girl enough to wait.

"She's a momma's baby/she's her daddy's pride and joy/ they've kept her under wraps/ she aint been hanging out with any of the acting boys/ hardly ever been kissed/ 20 years of innocence/ that's what I'm looking for/ I wanna be the man that's holding her hand when she can't hold it back anymore/.... Good little girls make mighty wild women/ been holding back since the very beginning/ when they fall in love they wanna take it to the limits/ Good little girls make mighty wild women/... She's never been to Vegas or danced in a Honky Tonk/ no trail or broken hearts/ although she looks the part/ that aint the kinda life she wants/ she's waiting for a gold ring before she tries her wings/ that's what I'm waiting for/ I wanna be the man that's holding her hand when she can't hold it back anymore/.... Good little girls make mighty wild women/ been holding back since the very beginning/ when they fall in love they wanna take it to the limits/ Good little girls make mighty wild women"

I realize how lucky I am to finally be with a man that wants to wait. Not only does it show me that he respects and loves me, it makes me want to respect myself.

As times passes I am reminded that time bears great fruit. Everyday we learn something whether we realize it or not. I'm not talking about the mindless things we learn in school. Everyday we learn about life and about ourselves. Sometimes it's hard- being a teenager and made me a prisoner to always wanting to be right. I don't want to have to depend on or answer to other but I realize I must. I realize I need others. No man is an island. I wish I was one but I realize that it's impossible. Everyone needs each other.

I realize that there are many trials in life and that there are many mistakes to be made. Sometimes I wonder why I do things, why and how I can cause so much grief for myself and others. Especially loved ones. I've learned a lot about myself over the past few days. It's been tough but now I am happy. I know we can get through this and I know that makes us stronger and brings us closer.