Oh sometimes I wonder when this rain will end because I hate being wet all the time but then on the other hand I know that it is the price that I pay to live in the lower mainland. I love it hear. I love being by the ocean and the mountains and I love being close to the heart of the city. Tomorrow is Friday and I couldn't be happier. This week has been busy and I want to sleep in. With semester 2 starting I realize that highschool will soon be over for me and I really won't miss it. A lot of people think that I will because they have, but no, that's not me. I just can't wait to break free from that place and start life. Even though I have 5-5.5 years of post secondary ahead of me still I just can't wait to be done highschool and for that chapter of my life to be over. Don't get me wrong I've had a lot of fun in those halls but still I long to be gone and experience life. I suppose that I now I just feel stuck that parts of my life can't start because I am here. I mean, I can't take off and travel for a month, I can't really plan a lot of my future until I get into the post secondary programs that I want, I can't really plan my life or even think about my future with a special someone, I can't be all that independent. I just what life to come and take me for a ride.

I realize that sometimes I am the most uncaring person. In those times I don't want to talk to anyone I don't want to see people I just want to be by myself. This is one of those times. Also, in these times I learn a lot about myself. Today was the first day on second semester, also the first day of my second to last semester of highschool. Exciting you would think, but not. It seemed to drag on and on which made me tired. My tiredness added with a some information I did not really need or want makes me very unsociable. However, the blessing of these times is the fact that I have time for reflection and prayer- something I am happy to do.

For the past little while I have been trying to get in contact with the new director of the summer camp that I work at. I did maintenance last year and want to do it again. Well today he e-mailed me and asked me about my plans and if I was willing to come back. He took all the weight off my shoulders about this summer and made me so happy. I am actually bursting with excitement and joy! I was worried about camp and about a new director and being hired and everything. It's so nice to feel appreciated enough that he would e-mail me directly. I'm so happy that I can't even blog without making a million mistakes so I should go and continue this later. Good things do happen to good people. Yay.

Ever had a song play over and over in your head? Well what about when it plays over and over again in there so long that when you actually try to think about the lyrics and the song that you completely forget it? The reason you forget the song when you try to think about it is because you've never had to think about so when you actually think about it, it ruins everything. I think that others things in life can become such a normality that when you actually stop to think about them you are left dumbfounded. This is the craziness that lives inside my brain.

(Stolen from another blog) "I believe in the importance of education. I believe knowledge is power, but I also believe that a lot of the time the knowledge you really need you won't learn in books. "

I've decided to graduate either a semester early or take first semester off next year. Like my friend, I value education but I also believe that most of what I learn inside the halls of highschool will be forgotten. There's not much I have planned to do in my empty semester other than experience life. In the past 11 and a half years all I have done is gone to school and had the summer to myself. After highschool I will do that still for 5 more years. I want to experience life and I want a change. I plan to work, visit friends and family, and cherish life I suppose. Right now I am trying to decide which semester I to go to school, first or second. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

After finishing exams and feeling more sure about my future I have decided that it's time for another CHERISH LIFE session.


CHERISH LIFE. Study a lot. Spend time with friends when you know you should be studying. Relax. Smile at babies. Make a stranger laugh. Say thank you to the bus driver. Have a 60 minute shower. Read the comics everyday. Take a stroll. Enter a contest. Look for freebies online. Drink hot chocolate with lots of whipped cream. Write a text message to a friend. Send someone a crazy e-mail. Send someone pictures. Give. Receive. Share. Watch your favourite show. Run in the rain. Job Shadow. Make a CD. Dance in your living room with the blinds open. Call someone long distance. Sing at the top of your lungs. Make a website. Go to a concert. Wrestle with your dog. Play some sports. Play twister. Go to the spa. Offer your time. Help. Watch made for TV movies while eating ice cream. Stay in your pjs all day. Learn more about a friend. Remember your dreams. Draw. Paint. Sculpt. Read a book. Write love poems. Plant something. Joke with a friend. Cry with a friend. Finish something. Clean your room. Bake cookies. Eat them too. Look at life from a different perspective. Sleep in. Sleep well. Get help if you need it. Run through the sprinkler. Start a food fight. Start a water fight. Have a sleepover. Be you. Be free. Be careless. Be courageous. Be bold. Be loud. Be strong. Be wise. Be sweet. Be motivated. Be wrong. Be right. Be fun. Be serious. Be relaxed. Be thankful. Be spontaneous. Be loved. Be loving. Be you. CHERISH LIFE.


Again, feel free to add.

With little sleep from last night and another sleepless night ahead of me I contemplate dreams (both good and bad). I've heard many different theories about dreams so I will share a few: 1.) Dreams are just your body's abstract way of processing the day 2.) Dreams are your body's way of dealing with feeling 3.) Dreams are just dreams and we don't know why we have the ones we do. Personally my dreams are a mixture of these three theories. Sometimes my dreams are completely random, other times they reflect my day and then other times they are my soul's way of dealing with things. I suppose I prefer the dreams that are random or that reflect my day because if I am trying to suppress a feeling, then why would I ever want to deal with it in a dream when I have no control. Lately my dreams have been ones that deal with feelings and with them come sleepless nights when I try to analyze the images that float in my subconscious. Sometimes, well a lot, I just wish for blank sleep, a time where dreams do not run wild. It's not that all my dreams are horrible nightmares, it's just the fact that I always yearn to know what they mean and what I should learn from them. Last night, a night that was only blessed with 1 hour of sleep, I learned something valuable- sleep is so valuable- I don't think I want to take it for granted ever again (even though you and I both know that I will sometime soon).

4 days until the end of semester one- yay!!!! I cannot wait for physics to be over and I cannot wait for it to be the 'semester before summer'. I cannot wait to go away over spring break and I cannot wait to go away in the summer. Mostly I cannot wait for things to be exciting. I want something out of the ordinary, I want something special, I want something memorable. Basically I just want change. Give me something new and I'll give you a girl who loves to spice things up. Give me something difficult and I'll give you a girl who likes to overcome obstacles. Give me excitement and I'll give you a girl who will excite you. I think that the part of the reason why I love change so much is because it allows to start a new chapter of your life. The change outside can be a gateway to the change inside. Yesterday started a new chapter of my life and already I see change- it's an amazing revelation.

Sometimes it's so hard to learn and realize things about yourself, but at the same time, so good. Maybe today was good or maybe it wasn't. All I know is that it was a among many in which I was tired, happy, sad, confused and excited all in one. Today I did not run so I look forward to tomorrow and the endurance it will bring. Thank you James for your running encouragement. I too love the feel of pavement under my feel and crisp air in my lungs. I think that my favourite part of running is the quietness that it brings. Oh sure, there are the outside sounds but when I run I have inner silence. There is no battle of thoughts or a chaotic heap of 'to-do-lists', there is nothing but the sweet sound of my feet and the pitter-patter of my dog's as they hit the rough ground. All that I am left to comtemplate is my day, not in a stressful way but more in a 'let's let this all sink in' kind of way. It's refreshing and relaxing. I am so thankful that my knees don't give out.

Sometimes when I wake up my mind fools me and I think it's the weekend when really it's Tuesday. Oh how nice it was to wake up and feel like it was Saturday when it was!! This morning I tapped into the most amazing source of running energy. I learned that if I think about what is frustrating me while I am running that I don't grow tired, instead I actually feel the need to run longer and harder. It's been 3 days of warm enough weather for my knees, I can finally run regularly. Although my knees are stiff and a little sore after my run the rest of my body feels refreshed. I don't know why so many people are opposed to running, the rewards are plentiful. This past week has been a learning one for me. I learned my limit and I learned how to ask for help. I can't wait for Monday to roll around when I will actually be able to talk about my feelings and be completely understood. Oh, ode to Monday's at 3:30.

Over the past years I've learned that parents don't know everything but over the past little while I've learned that mine, at least, can be completely wrong. I don't know why parents think that they are so much better than their kids. I mean, yes they deserve respect and I do respect mine but I don't think that they are better than me. And unfortunately I doubt their intelligence sometimes. I just wonder what goes through a parents head to make them oppose and shut down the actually-incredibly-good-and-wonderful plans/ideas of their child. Please, if I ever get that way slap me, I'm serious. This is my ode to a day gone wrong. One filled with my mom being disappointed in my grades even though I work my but off and they are above average and my parents giving me the responsibilities of an adult but not treating me like one or giving me adequate respect. This is also the ode to the day when I realized that my mom is truly not perfect and part of me truly cannot stand to be in this house without being filled with depression. Please Lord give me strength, for I fear that mine is turning into anger and frustration.

"You are beautiful no matter what they say/words can't bring you down..",I don't know why but everytime I listen to these types of songs I feel alive. Could it be the girl-power (minus the spice get up) that is pumped into every word and beat? Or is it just the tone of the music? "I'm a real wild one and like wild fun/ in a world gone crazy every thing seems hazy". Maybe it's the fact that the lyrics seems out of control, something I can really relate to. Or, could it be that when I listen to this I really want to dance and I don't care who's watching. I don't know what it is but there's something about music that when it's good it's very good and it just courses through your body with no remorse. But then again, there is other music that makes me feel happy and energized "Yesterday, today and forever you are the same/ you never change." The hope in these lyrics washes away everything else. Or maybe it's the power in these other lyrics that is showed to me, not in myself but in him, "a warrior instead of a child / a sword of deliverance in Your hand." Whatever it is, whether it be crazy punk/metal or a little hip hop, all music stirs something within me. Something that isn't stirred by anything else. Maybe it's just be, but I think that all music serves a purpose divine or otherwise. Maybe it's not the music itself that I love so much, maybe it's what the music has taught me. Believing in myself and having hope and joy is what truly brightens my soul. Music just does something for me. What does it do for you?

The rain and fog are thick but they don't phase me. I am happy so happy.... Whoever thought of making pink, dangley, star earrings is marvelous! They make me feel like a little girl again- carefree and hyper (okay maybe, just maybe the hyperness is comming from my peppermint mocha with extra sprinkles but still!). It's so great to be overwhelmed with joy so suddenly. On the way home from North Van I was tired and was dreading my return but now I am all bubbly inside. I realize that happiness is contagious. The happier (and goofier) I act the more it carries over into my friend's lives. Share your smiles, they can do more than you think. I often wonder why we are suddenly filled with joy after moments of frustration or sadness- I think it's because we are loved, so loved. To you who is reading this, my friend, remember that you are loved, at least by me.

CHERISH LIFE. Smile at a stranger. Dance to your favourite song. Memorize a quote. Pick up a piece of garbage. Call up an old friend. Call up a new friend. Remember birthdays. Buy someone flowers. Send someone actual snail mail. Give hugs. Hold hangs. Link arms. Help someone with directions. Help someone carry a heavy load. Tell your friends, family and loved ones that you love them. Surprise someone. Send a card or an e-card. Be proud of your 'A's. Try your hardest. Give it your all. Go out for the team. Take up a new hobby. Run a marathon. Enjoy the outdoors. Volunteer. Be a mentor. Be a mentee. Walk your dog. Smile often. Laugh whenever possible. Cheer up a friend. Do some baking. Mow a neighbour's lawn. Do something without being asked. Read a good book. Write a book. Sing a song. Express yourself. Cry when it hurts and get it out. Dance the jig. Play with your siblings. Be a shoulder to cry on. Try extreme sports. Work at a summer camp. Love yourself. Try a new subway sandwich. Wear bestfriend necklaces. Skinny dip. Go play in the rain. Travel. Do what makes you feel good inside. CHERISH LIFE.



Feel free to add.

I realize that one little thing can alter the way you view reality. I also learned, in a not so fun way, that the walls that I have built so high up around myself are actually starting to come down. The walls are cracked and my true feelings show through and are unable to be hidden. Last night an answer to a question (which turned out to be not what he meant at all), one that I would normally not care about, made me cry and I'm glad. It showed me, and maybe him, how much I care. And though our mutual misconception of the question and the answer did hurt me, I realize that it was a small price to pay for my wisdom. I suppose that once I've beared my feelings and put the fact that I care out there, I can't really take either of those things back. I don't normally, well lets just say that in relationships or potential relationships I would never share emotion. I have begun to do that and I am proud of myself- whatever the cost. It's good to finally feel.

Talking to 'sister' of mine, Elissa, today I realized the importance of keeping ties with best friends no matter where your lives take you. We haven't seen each other for awhile and we haven't talked for some time either but each time we do see or talk to each other it's like we still live just blocks apart. Planning the future always invovles (for me at least) remembering the past. Elissa and I have been through a lot together and even the things we haven't experienced together we can relate to. I am definitely blessed to have her as a best friend and sister. I realize that in relationships with bestfriends your true colours shine through. I say that I have a lot of bestfriends but I don't know how true that really is. I mean a bestfriend is a person who knows everything about you and loves you because of all your quirkiness. I used to label all my really really good friends as best friends but I think I may stop that. A best friend is a very special person who deserves a special title. I am blessed to have a LOT of really really good friends but I am even more blessed to have a small handful of BESTfriends who know me inside and out. Thank you- you know who you are and you know that I love you very much.

So much to say and no words to say it. I am, at times, completely mute. It's not that I don't want to talk it's just that I can't. I realize that times when I become mute are the times of most importance- why to I shy away from life?

What does forgiveness truly mean? "I'm forgiven because you were forsaken..." God says that I'm forgiven for my sins and I understand His forgiveness but what does it mean to be forgiven by another person? Does it mean that they accept what I have done wrong? Forget it? Deal with it? Choose to ignore it? Hate me for it but just act nice to my face? Really I have no clue. I do know that I long to be forgiven. I also know that hate the fact that I am hated. I wonder how long it will take to her heart to mend and her anger to be cool to the touch? I also wonder how much longer I can go on being hated. Today wasn't so bad- no words only glares that burned the marrow inside my bones. The hardest part is the fact that her anger towards me only makes my heart break for her and I can offer her nothing because she refuses my kindness. I have nothing but love in my heart for her and I am so lost as to what to do. I talked to my pastor and shared things I thought he knew but didn't, oh well it's for the best. He can do more for her than I could ever do. Before she talked about forgiving others and I wonder if it's too much for her to forgive me. Then again, I wonder why I want to be forgiven so much because I have done nothing wrong. For once I won't reject my own happiness in order to please another. I can't. "Yesterday,today and forever/ you are the same/you never change/ yesterday,today and forever/ you are faithful and I will trust in you". I've learned that through this trial and the ones yet to come the only thing I can do is trust. Just trust.

Well, I suppose since this is my first post of the new year it should be exciting, but it probably won't. To me, New Years isn't as special as a birthday or an anniversary. Sure, it's a good excuse to hang out with your friends and loved ones and reflect on your year, but can't we do that all the time? But then again, I also believe that a New Year symbolizes a new chapter in life- one in which I am happy to unfold and explore.
Do you think that you can find your soulmate while you are still in highschool? It's a question that has been on my mind recently. Over the past few days I realized the value of a best friend, one with whom you can share everything. I'm so glad that he lets me share; it's so refreshing to let someone hear what's inside. I've decided that tears are just the body's way to make you tell someone else that you are hurting. My body and mouth have very separate minds; through my tears he still hears the words "I'm fine". Apparently now isn't the time for me to be strong and rough around the edges because if it was my tears wouldn't disobey my mouth. Here's the answer to my question above, one which truly scares me: I don't know if you can, but I have.